it started at age 10

A small ten year old girl is sitting at her desk. She is shaking. She has two pencils ready just in case she runs out of lead. For three days she has been studying for this science test. She knew just about everything by heart when her mom quizzed her. The teacher hands her the test. She looks at it, and her mind goes blank. Sweat forms in her palms. The shaking is unstoppable. Tears now flood her eyes. 

A 13 year old just lost all the friends she had since kindergarten. She has one friend left. She struggles to get out of bed in the morning, and face the girls at school. She lies in bed on the weekend with tears in her eyes wondering what she did wrong. 

A sophomore in high school watches 40 minutes of The Vampire Diaries, a show she has watched 4 times now. She also watches 10 minutes of Gilmore Girls, a show she has watched 12 times now. She just wants to just go to bed because she is exhausted from school, but she can’t because if she doesn’t watch the shows, her next day will be a total failure. 

Spoiler alert: these three girls are all me.  

My name is Katie. I am a 17 year old senior in high school struggling with anxiety, depression, and obsessive compulsive disorder.

I was first diagnosed with anxiety in fifth grade. My teacher noticed that my grades were not reflecting my hard work. I started to meet with a therapist who diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder that mainly presented itself during school. That science test was not just one isolated occasion, it happened consistently. In eighth grade, after I had lost most of my closest friends from kindergarten, I was diagnosed with depression. I struggled to get out of bed to go to school, but also was too anxious to miss it. My appearance to society was still important to me, but it was hard to keep up the facade. During my sophomore year of high school, I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder. Little things I did in my routine that I thought were normal were not. For example, in order to fall asleep at night my volume could only be at two on my phone, no higher or lower. 

I would love to tell you that now, almost eight years after my first diagnosis, I’m a big 17 year old girl who approaches tests cool, calm, and collected, and that I get out of bed every morning with a huge smile on my face and with my hair brushed. I would love to tell you that I no longer watch Vampire Diaries and Gilmore Girls every night before bed or that my volume goes above two at night.  My struggle with mental illness still exists; the only thing that has changed is that I now have the tools to calm myself down in these situations. 

Just because I have improved since I was ten years old does not mean my mental illness disappeared. I still struggle daily, but I am lucky to have a huge support group that helps me. I am grateful to have my family, friends, and a therapist to reach out to when I am feeling down. If you are someone who is struggling, please know that you are not alone. There are so many resources and people out there, whether you know it or not, that want to help you. Mental illness is not a math equation with just one solution, it takes time and hard work, but recognizing you need help is the first step to getting better.

Submitted by Keeping it Real Contributor Katie